i feel incredibly guilty sometimes. who can help it. but i still think i did the right thing. that i'm doing the right thing. justice as it should be, not as it should look like. but what is justice? is true justice ever the same for the person delivering and the person receiving? one person says the other did wrong but behind that second person there's a whole other story to be dealt with. neither person will ever know the true justice. never ever. they can only know justice for themselves. it's scary but in an insignificant way.
and i come home late at night every night. a whole day of doing stuff with people. good, great, lovely! but i'm still battered. i can't shake it. i forever yearn. i'm just looking for something to hold me down. something to bring me back to center. i'm being torn by the whirlwind around me and where is the eye of the hurricane? that's why i'd be such an excellent wife. for anyone. right now. i'd never need anything more than one person. but i don't want to marry for a long long time. i noticed on megan's facebook today that her interest is figuring people out. i realized that i spend way too much time doing that too. too much too much. why people do the things they do. why people convince themselves of certain things. how much time people spend thinking about what they do and think. i batter myself down. i don't need/want to be like them and stuff. but people obsess me. i need to stop. i take every sharp thing i see and stick it into my own heart. usually the sharp things don't even exist but the pain, it's real. but it's ok. i'm learning. hearts grow.
why i do i always want to save things for later? i even try to save words for later. i'm working on that.
"while i'm the most vulnerable i've ever been in my life, i'm also the happiest."
