love's going to get me down.

my heart hurts.
it hurts.
like a pile of yarn.
tangled.
ignored.
lonely.

most of the time, you feel alone. you think there is no one who can feel you. everyone is a stranger, no matter how close you are to them. then you meet one person. you can talk to them. you can say everything important. you are blown away. your heart desires. you mind desires.

there are many people you can talk to. sometimes they take years to find, but many relationships are possible. it's about what you come across. it's about exposure. it's about looking.

you will be surprised. you will be disappointed. you will be satisfied. you will be dissatisfied. you need to wonder. you need to always wonder, to resolve your wonder. to know what it is you want.

i don't know if i was being the strongest person or a weak person. i want to be giving. and understanding. and give freedom. i want everyone to be happy. that is the ideal person. that is admirable. if i were ideal i would be able to. my feelings are my last priority, usually. but i'm realizing my feelings affect me. i am a strong person, but i am dependent. i need to be taken care of. i am not determining my happiness; you are.

i am a weak person, in that way, the way how everyone is weak. there is no one in the world who can defeat their emotions.

the things you wanted to talk to me about can only be resolved by yourself. you think i can help you figure them out, but i can't. maybe you think megan can help you figure them out, but i don't think she can either.

i've never felt this before. i have never felt so hurt but calm but afraid but reasonable. i've made so many mistakes in the past. been upset about the most insignificant things, and dealt with them in the most immature, heated ways.

you might think i should have been nicer. i normally would criticize myself for that too. i would make sure megan doesn't think i'm mad at her, to protect her. but for once, i didn't care what people think.

i must not be spontaneous. i must think.

i'm not mad at megan. i think she could have been a better person, but i don't blame her for what you've done. she's a good person.

all these things you are curious about now - "why hanna? is it because i'm comfortable? in a warm cozy pillow? because of promises?" - why are you only curious about them now. i'm so frustrated about that.

i am not jealous. or rather, i'm trying my hardest not to be. it's so tempting. but it's the wrong thing. i know it's wrong to be jealous, which is why i let you do whatever you wanted. i was jealous before, even though i tried to retain it. but i am not jealous now.

i stopped trying to talk to you yesterday because i was waiting for you to want to talk to me. i wanted to talk to you so bad, but whether you were physically there or if words were coming out of your mouth, you weren't going to listen. i realized that until you desire me again, my words would not make an impression. i'm waiting for you to desire me again. i'm waiting for you to be excited to see me, to not think our relationship is stale. i'm afraid you never will.

i have been the most understanding person. i know you know that. i thought it was a good thing, to be so understanding. i was loving you so hard. it was the best love i could give you. but it has allowed you to take me for granted. to abuse it. now, you can expect me be there like a puppy, ready to love you no matter how long you've left me home alone. an emotionless puppy. it's my fault i let you expect me to do that. you want me to be emotionless, but how can i be? isn't that too much to ask? were you emotionless when i broke your heart? can you understand why i can't talk to you? you didn't want to talk to me at first when the john thing happened. i want to be emotionless in this situation. but i can't.

i was generally fine until saturday. i would let you have your week with megan, then talk about it afterward. i still wanted to talk to you though, but because i knew i couldn't until you wanted to talk to me, i decided i needed to talk to someone else. there was no one else to talk to though. only rebecca and andres. but they would both just tell me i should be mad at you. that you're absolutely wrong and i'm just being too nice. who knew i would meet anton. he opened my eyes. he could understand how i'd let you find yourself. he could understand that i truly think you are the one for me, and i am not just convincing myself of this. but he told me i am numbing my mind. He said we were taking each other for granted. That if you could have sex with Megan in front of me without unconsciously giving priority to me, that we have made our relationship too safe.

i know you had to find yourself, but you didn't have to forget about me to do that. i know you don't think you forgot about me, but the fact that you didn't notice how sad i was the past few days and that you didn't once try to make sure i was ok shows that you forgot about me and about taking care of me like someone who loves me should. i know you still love me, at least for now. but you weren't thinking about everything this week. just what was important to you. you've been weak, nick. man up. grow up. please.

i have never felt so secure about my love for you before in my life. i'm not looking for other people to entertain me, to kiss me, to satisfy me. i'm still curious to know more about other people, but i desire your mind the most. i may be thinking about you all the time because i miss you, but i know you make me the happiest.