soulbleeding.

needle pulls me towards him.
body lifts to the ceiling.
stomach gurgles.
waves of consciousness slaps through me.
fluids illuminate the room.
blink.
blink again.
toes curl.
squeeze hand.
unsqueeze.
squeeze.
veins become a highway chase.
too fast too fast.
compressed upward til the last drop.
i want to give more.

OHMYGAAAAAAAAAAAAA

i just deleted all the pictures i've taken on my new camera.
like, ikea with alex chu, date with my mommy, marrakesh, pdx airport, last days with parents, 18 birthday date with nikolaus with upper crust garden pesto pizza on garden st in a garden (park), and all of kayla's art!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!!!

qk, whatever.

just a feeling.

ahhhhh.
i haven't written down anything about harvard or the end of summer or anything. goshhhh, this is love. well, mostly, like. but some things are love. like the cute muskat's nephew. oh ROOMMATES, mmmm. listening to philip glass and talking about sex, religion, family, social issues, art, friendships. i can't even begin to describe everything that's happened in the last four days. and every day gets better and better. it's a different universe. instead of conversations growing once a few months, there's a flurry of people who i can talk to about things i've thought about but have never said because i felt like no one would understand. it's like a feast. it feels almost gluttonous.

i can totally see how someone can get sucked into the glorious majesty of it all. what they give here seems magical. anything one could possibly ask for, it's here. it's in these people. no one has filled the stereotype of what i imagined here. my roommate wrote a 20 chapter book called qe full of art and a story. how sick is that?

i still haven't met that many people, but i'm already starting to feel filled. i'm finding my negatives. i only hope that they feel the same. i already have too much to learn than my frail mind can handle. i wish i could use the other 90% of my brain.

there is just too much to say. the last four days are worth a few months of my life. that is all.

clark matsuda

my first funeral.

i realized how realistically unsignificant a death can be. life moves on. we can still laugh. but now it's those future vulnerable moments that have been peeled raw. i feel for his wife, ock-ha gomo halmuni. i feel for his daughter, aunt kimberly. i feel for his son, his son's wife, and his 5-week old granddaughter; stuart, judy, and evan cate. people i talk to once a year, usually.
my mom is mad at me because i went to sunriver instead of witnessing his death. like i should have known. or if i cared, i would have made everyone come home immediately so i could watch them take him away. that would have proved i cared. she even said i probably wouldn't come to her or my dad's wedding. when she says things like that is when i almost go crazy. even though i didn't come home to prove i cared, i felt for him. ached for him. not exactly for him to be next to me again, but for him. him and everyone in my big, fat family. i ache for them.

life should be about caring about what's most important, not what's most important for you. but for everyone, it's never like that. your friends are sad for your bad haircut, but never as sad as you are. you might be sad about your friend's divorce, but never as sad as they are. hopefully, you're more sad about your friend's divorce than your bad haircut.

but like, some people won't cry as much at a funeral because it's not their personal loss, but they'll go home and cry about a dead pet fish. what's up with that? i'm not criticizing because i don't know anyone who isn't like that, including myself. it's not bad as much as true.

so, i just watched table tennis, badminton, and trampoline olympics for the first time! i also recieved my american apparel order from corbin for the first time! i think it's funny how everything at the olympics is written in english. even all the 'beijing 2008' signs. not one of them in chinese.

i'm going to miss everyone so much on the other side of the world. :(

planes!

discretion:

it's not about what is better or fits better or looks better or means better or wants to be better or cuter or happier but what is right.

i need to stopppppp.ppp.p.pp.!!!!
i care about this more than global hunger. than human trafficking. than child pornography. HAHAHAH.
he says, "it's like touching a stove or something."

checkmate, your move.

i've got a good friend, and i'm so glad i finally got to talk to him! it's air!!!!!

linens&things

i have this strange, squirmy feeling in my stomach.
and i know it's not about food.


i actually like not having absolutely nothing to do at work. it gives me a lot of time to do stuff. like, personal stuff. and it's not like being at home because i don't like being on the computer at home because there are other things to do and so i'll just check my facebook for a few minutes and check my email and that's it. but here i'm just sitting here, for five hours. tons of time to do anything i want. because i can't do anything or go anywhere else. so i can look up anything i've wondered about before. and then just sit here by myself and think about it. no rush. i can basically find out about anything i want to. because i have the time. it's so satisfying to learn everything you wanted to learn about something. any whim. and never regret forgetting about something. because of work, i have to get up early. and then i can secretly read or listen to music or crochet. stuff i can't do at home unless i put off a time for it. but here, i get the time all the time!!! and all the things i normally would want to just sit and do, i can do them. this probably isn't right though; i'm basically getting paid to do nothing. or, anything i want.

i realized i haven't taken any photos of this summer. mainly because my camera broke and i haven't bought a new one yet. and in general, people have been taking less photos, i think. it's sad because i have a terrible memory. photos are nice because they can bring back so much, like a song or a note or a poster of some kind. i hope i can remember all the good times. my memory is terrible. oh wait.

i want to do stacey's fifteen people thing. i will, sometime. well, i started. but it'll take me a while to finish.
happy birthday, hangela! ♥

cushionpin

i feel incredibly guilty sometimes. who can help it. but i still think i did the right thing. that i'm doing the right thing. justice as it should be, not as it should look like. but what is justice? is true justice ever the same for the person delivering and the person receiving? one person says the other did wrong but behind that second person there's a whole other story to be dealt with. neither person will ever know the true justice. never ever. they can only know justice for themselves. it's scary but in an insignificant way.

and i come home late at night every night. a whole day of doing stuff with people. good, great, lovely! but i'm still battered. i can't shake it. i forever yearn. i'm just looking for something to hold me down. something to bring me back to center. i'm being torn by the whirlwind around me and where is the eye of the hurricane? that's why i'd be such an excellent wife. for anyone. right now. i'd never need anything more than one person. but i don't want to marry for a long long time. i noticed on megan's facebook today that her interest is figuring people out. i realized that i spend way too much time doing that too. too much too much. why people do the things they do. why people convince themselves of certain things. how much time people spend thinking about what they do and think. i batter myself down. i don't need/want to be like them and stuff. but people obsess me. i need to stop. i take every sharp thing i see and stick it into my own heart. usually the sharp things don't even exist but the pain, it's real. but it's ok. i'm learning. hearts grow.

why i do i always want to save things for later? i even try to save words for later. i'm working on that.

"while i'm the most vulnerable i've ever been in my life, i'm also the happiest."