clark matsuda

my first funeral.

i realized how realistically unsignificant a death can be. life moves on. we can still laugh. but now it's those future vulnerable moments that have been peeled raw. i feel for his wife, ock-ha gomo halmuni. i feel for his daughter, aunt kimberly. i feel for his son, his son's wife, and his 5-week old granddaughter; stuart, judy, and evan cate. people i talk to once a year, usually.
my mom is mad at me because i went to sunriver instead of witnessing his death. like i should have known. or if i cared, i would have made everyone come home immediately so i could watch them take him away. that would have proved i cared. she even said i probably wouldn't come to her or my dad's wedding. when she says things like that is when i almost go crazy. even though i didn't come home to prove i cared, i felt for him. ached for him. not exactly for him to be next to me again, but for him. him and everyone in my big, fat family. i ache for them.

life should be about caring about what's most important, not what's most important for you. but for everyone, it's never like that. your friends are sad for your bad haircut, but never as sad as you are. you might be sad about your friend's divorce, but never as sad as they are. hopefully, you're more sad about your friend's divorce than your bad haircut.

but like, some people won't cry as much at a funeral because it's not their personal loss, but they'll go home and cry about a dead pet fish. what's up with that? i'm not criticizing because i don't know anyone who isn't like that, including myself. it's not bad as much as true.

so, i just watched table tennis, badminton, and trampoline olympics for the first time! i also recieved my american apparel order from corbin for the first time! i think it's funny how everything at the olympics is written in english. even all the 'beijing 2008' signs. not one of them in chinese.

i'm going to miss everyone so much on the other side of the world. :(