clark matsuda

my first funeral.

i realized how realistically unsignificant a death can be. life moves on. we can still laugh. but now it's those future vulnerable moments that have been peeled raw. i feel for his wife, ock-ha gomo halmuni. i feel for his daughter, aunt kimberly. i feel for his son, his son's wife, and his 5-week old granddaughter; stuart, judy, and evan cate. people i talk to once a year, usually.
my mom is mad at me because i went to sunriver instead of witnessing his death. like i should have known. or if i cared, i would have made everyone come home immediately so i could watch them take him away. that would have proved i cared. she even said i probably wouldn't come to her or my dad's wedding. when she says things like that is when i almost go crazy. even though i didn't come home to prove i cared, i felt for him. ached for him. not exactly for him to be next to me again, but for him. him and everyone in my big, fat family. i ache for them.

life should be about caring about what's most important, not what's most important for you. but for everyone, it's never like that. your friends are sad for your bad haircut, but never as sad as you are. you might be sad about your friend's divorce, but never as sad as they are. hopefully, you're more sad about your friend's divorce than your bad haircut.

but like, some people won't cry as much at a funeral because it's not their personal loss, but they'll go home and cry about a dead pet fish. what's up with that? i'm not criticizing because i don't know anyone who isn't like that, including myself. it's not bad as much as true.

so, i just watched table tennis, badminton, and trampoline olympics for the first time! i also recieved my american apparel order from corbin for the first time! i think it's funny how everything at the olympics is written in english. even all the 'beijing 2008' signs. not one of them in chinese.

i'm going to miss everyone so much on the other side of the world. :(

planes!

discretion:

it's not about what is better or fits better or looks better or means better or wants to be better or cuter or happier but what is right.

i need to stopppppp.ppp.p.pp.!!!!
i care about this more than global hunger. than human trafficking. than child pornography. HAHAHAH.
he says, "it's like touching a stove or something."

checkmate, your move.

i've got a good friend, and i'm so glad i finally got to talk to him! it's air!!!!!

linens&things

i have this strange, squirmy feeling in my stomach.
and i know it's not about food.


i actually like not having absolutely nothing to do at work. it gives me a lot of time to do stuff. like, personal stuff. and it's not like being at home because i don't like being on the computer at home because there are other things to do and so i'll just check my facebook for a few minutes and check my email and that's it. but here i'm just sitting here, for five hours. tons of time to do anything i want. because i can't do anything or go anywhere else. so i can look up anything i've wondered about before. and then just sit here by myself and think about it. no rush. i can basically find out about anything i want to. because i have the time. it's so satisfying to learn everything you wanted to learn about something. any whim. and never regret forgetting about something. because of work, i have to get up early. and then i can secretly read or listen to music or crochet. stuff i can't do at home unless i put off a time for it. but here, i get the time all the time!!! and all the things i normally would want to just sit and do, i can do them. this probably isn't right though; i'm basically getting paid to do nothing. or, anything i want.

i realized i haven't taken any photos of this summer. mainly because my camera broke and i haven't bought a new one yet. and in general, people have been taking less photos, i think. it's sad because i have a terrible memory. photos are nice because they can bring back so much, like a song or a note or a poster of some kind. i hope i can remember all the good times. my memory is terrible. oh wait.

i want to do stacey's fifteen people thing. i will, sometime. well, i started. but it'll take me a while to finish.
happy birthday, hangela! ♥