offbeat

i say i'm quiet because i never have anything interesting or important to say.
people say, of course you have something interesting or important to say.
but what if that were actually true? do i kill myself?

i can talk to people about things, and i love talking on and on about things, but they always have to initiate the topic.
i can't bring anything to the table.

maybe i deserve to be at harvard, but i don't belong at harvard.
everyone here has something interesting to say, and i don't.
i guess i could work in a cubicle.

i desire to be offbeat.
i am offbeat.
i like offbeat people.

can you feel the knife?

i still don't understand how you could have sex with her if you knew i was mad. didn't you think it was because you were still having sex with her that i was mad? like, if you stopped, i wouldn't be mad. what were you thinking?
and why rebecca's bed? so inconsiderate. you're being a bad friend to rebecca. you haven't paid her yet. she says you've been a jerk lately.

the fact that you're bored isn't a novel idea. i don't know why you are so surprised. it's about how hard you try to keep loving and entertaining your other. did you think you'd never feel bored? is this seriously the first time you've felt bored?

you always just want to do what you want, whenever you want. you are so silly; not serious. a sober person would be thinking about these things all the time. what do you think about? how has this only occurred to you now?

relationships are about some sacrifice. its naiive to think that there are relationships where there is no sacrifice involved.

how can you not care at all who i have sex with? is it because you just trust me so much? because sex is meaningless now? why did you care before, then?

i want to have an open relationship so i can fulfill my life where you can't. but it requires that you are with me always. you are my heart, but i've got little holes in them to fill. if it's between an open relationship and keeping you, the choice is easy.

love's going to get me down.

my heart hurts.
it hurts.
like a pile of yarn.
tangled.
ignored.
lonely.

most of the time, you feel alone. you think there is no one who can feel you. everyone is a stranger, no matter how close you are to them. then you meet one person. you can talk to them. you can say everything important. you are blown away. your heart desires. you mind desires.

there are many people you can talk to. sometimes they take years to find, but many relationships are possible. it's about what you come across. it's about exposure. it's about looking.

you will be surprised. you will be disappointed. you will be satisfied. you will be dissatisfied. you need to wonder. you need to always wonder, to resolve your wonder. to know what it is you want.

i don't know if i was being the strongest person or a weak person. i want to be giving. and understanding. and give freedom. i want everyone to be happy. that is the ideal person. that is admirable. if i were ideal i would be able to. my feelings are my last priority, usually. but i'm realizing my feelings affect me. i am a strong person, but i am dependent. i need to be taken care of. i am not determining my happiness; you are.

i am a weak person, in that way, the way how everyone is weak. there is no one in the world who can defeat their emotions.

the things you wanted to talk to me about can only be resolved by yourself. you think i can help you figure them out, but i can't. maybe you think megan can help you figure them out, but i don't think she can either.

i've never felt this before. i have never felt so hurt but calm but afraid but reasonable. i've made so many mistakes in the past. been upset about the most insignificant things, and dealt with them in the most immature, heated ways.

you might think i should have been nicer. i normally would criticize myself for that too. i would make sure megan doesn't think i'm mad at her, to protect her. but for once, i didn't care what people think.

i must not be spontaneous. i must think.

i'm not mad at megan. i think she could have been a better person, but i don't blame her for what you've done. she's a good person.

all these things you are curious about now - "why hanna? is it because i'm comfortable? in a warm cozy pillow? because of promises?" - why are you only curious about them now. i'm so frustrated about that.

i am not jealous. or rather, i'm trying my hardest not to be. it's so tempting. but it's the wrong thing. i know it's wrong to be jealous, which is why i let you do whatever you wanted. i was jealous before, even though i tried to retain it. but i am not jealous now.

i stopped trying to talk to you yesterday because i was waiting for you to want to talk to me. i wanted to talk to you so bad, but whether you were physically there or if words were coming out of your mouth, you weren't going to listen. i realized that until you desire me again, my words would not make an impression. i'm waiting for you to desire me again. i'm waiting for you to be excited to see me, to not think our relationship is stale. i'm afraid you never will.

i have been the most understanding person. i know you know that. i thought it was a good thing, to be so understanding. i was loving you so hard. it was the best love i could give you. but it has allowed you to take me for granted. to abuse it. now, you can expect me be there like a puppy, ready to love you no matter how long you've left me home alone. an emotionless puppy. it's my fault i let you expect me to do that. you want me to be emotionless, but how can i be? isn't that too much to ask? were you emotionless when i broke your heart? can you understand why i can't talk to you? you didn't want to talk to me at first when the john thing happened. i want to be emotionless in this situation. but i can't.

i was generally fine until saturday. i would let you have your week with megan, then talk about it afterward. i still wanted to talk to you though, but because i knew i couldn't until you wanted to talk to me, i decided i needed to talk to someone else. there was no one else to talk to though. only rebecca and andres. but they would both just tell me i should be mad at you. that you're absolutely wrong and i'm just being too nice. who knew i would meet anton. he opened my eyes. he could understand how i'd let you find yourself. he could understand that i truly think you are the one for me, and i am not just convincing myself of this. but he told me i am numbing my mind. He said we were taking each other for granted. That if you could have sex with Megan in front of me without unconsciously giving priority to me, that we have made our relationship too safe.

i know you had to find yourself, but you didn't have to forget about me to do that. i know you don't think you forgot about me, but the fact that you didn't notice how sad i was the past few days and that you didn't once try to make sure i was ok shows that you forgot about me and about taking care of me like someone who loves me should. i know you still love me, at least for now. but you weren't thinking about everything this week. just what was important to you. you've been weak, nick. man up. grow up. please.

i have never felt so secure about my love for you before in my life. i'm not looking for other people to entertain me, to kiss me, to satisfy me. i'm still curious to know more about other people, but i desire your mind the most. i may be thinking about you all the time because i miss you, but i know you make me the happiest.

things are so different on the other side of the fence.

did you know

that tina fey has a scar under her cheek from when a man came up to her in her front yard and slashed her face when she was five?

I LOVE FEB 15

inspired by peas

WELL. two days ago, i went to dinner with some friends. we needed an extra chair so i went to the next table where a girl and boy were eating together. i asked the girl, "are you guys using this chair?" the girl looked at me and didn't say anything but they had been talking so i said, "no?" and she continued to look at me. and i looked at her. and then i just grabbed the chair and walked back. as i was doing so, she said snidely, "that was weird," to her companion. and then, i couldn't stop thinking about that for a long time. hahahhahha!

and i'm still thinking about that. i kept thinking of things i woulda shoulda done. i hoped she would come to my work so i could be like, "OHHH YOU NEED HELP?" well! that was two days ago. since then, i feel better and happier than before that incident. i'm more outspoken, i don't adapt to the person i talk to, and i care less! lange just called and told me that when he was walking out of the SC, there was a girl on the phone who said "HEY" and he heard "LANGE" so he was like "..heeeeey" but she wasn't talking to him. it happens to everyone! next time, i don't want it to take two days. oh and today, prateek got my letter.

Tara Yuan Gu

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."

--Captain Corelli's Mandolin

doubt=trust

one of my biggest problems is when i'm deeply in love with someone, i feel upset when i see them in love with someone else. i feel like i have some unique bond with a girl, but then she has a unique bond with this girl or that boy and i'm shocked. and of course that doesn't make sense. i have many loves. so why does it feel like i'm abandoned or something? betrayed? it's a little pain that pokes me in the side, no matter how hard i know it's wrong. and then i hold myself away from this person. i doubt them, i doubt myself, i feel as if i don't know them anymore. but i need to trust these people i love. lay my life and heart into their hands. know that their love is shared, but each love is equally important. and i know that. every person i love is for an equally, beautifully good reason. i just need to trust that this is what other people are doing too. that my relationship with them is still meaningful. because i need that.

january

sometimes i am just enjoying my life, skipping along, tips to my toes, then crash, boom, slam! cats and dogs falling down. the sky falls down and i can see everything behind it. and it makes my heart crumble.

and then i realize i've got the world in my hand, the sun in my mouth!!!!